I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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