i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
