meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
