you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
