meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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