If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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