remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Randomize
