dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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