Are we in a gay sports bar?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
