so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
