There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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