Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
