i just sent this text using only my big toe
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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