I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
