she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
