i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
