just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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