I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
