Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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