Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
