you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize