OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
