Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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