So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
