I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize