if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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