There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
