Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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