I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
