There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
