booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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