I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
