I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
