new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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