he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
