Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She announced her abortion via fbk
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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