Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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