i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
