i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
