I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
