I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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