god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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