How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
