I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
