I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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