I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
