So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
