After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
