her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
