Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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