He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
operation have a gay friend backfired
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
