I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
