Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
