Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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