Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize