dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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