The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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