Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
